JT -

First, i just want to say that you’re the most important person in my life. And you will always be. There is not a single day that I dunt think about you and wonder what you’ve been through. 

I never wanted you to be depressed. Or sad. Or anything remotely close to that. I always want you to be happy. I honestly believe that this is the best method for doing it. I know you dunt want to hear it, but I meant the best from the very bottom my heart. 

I know that right now, everything would seem all fucked up and sad. But I’d rather this kind of straight painful hurt, than the slow gradual insidious hurt from not seeing each other, not hugging each other, or missing each other at our various milestones. I want you to be with me every single birthday, Christmas, Valentines day, when I graduate, when you graduate, when you get your first proper job, etc, but I can’t and that gradually hurts me more and more as the times went on.

I will always love you, as the first love, as the first person that made me feel loved, as the first person that loved me, as the first person that I looked at and knew I wanted to spend my entire life with.

And I still do. Look at you, I mean, and want to spend my entire life with you.

I wish I could make you feel better about everything, and I wish you were with me. I wish for alot of things. But most of all, I wish you would stop putting the blame on yourself. I love you. I hate seeing you like this. I want you to be happy.

I’m sorry I’m putting you through all this. I’m really really reaaally sorry to hear that you feel fucked up. I wish I could help you. I wish things would be exactly the way I want them to be. With you by myside, and you happier than ever.

But right now, all I can hope for that you wont forget me, and that you’ll live your life to the fullest, so that you can be ready when I come to be with you.

Because that’s what I want. A future with you.

In order to have an amazing future, we must have a fulfilling present. 

xoxo.

P.s. baby, I forgave you for it every single time because I love you. I love being with you, and I didn’t care. You love me, and I knew that. Please dun’t beat yourself up for the past. You made me who I am. And I am honestly nothing with you and your love.

I love you.

JT -

Hi. 

I just want to say that I havent ignored you. Ive read everything you texted to me and wrote me and stuff. I want to respond so badly with something worth your while, but I cant find the right words. 

I’m sorry for making you feel this way. I wish there were other things i can do to make you feel happier…but I can’t. I wish I could make YOU feel better, about everything, but I’m so powerless. Honestly, I love you more than I can possibly process.

I tried texting you back, but I don’t know if you got it or not, you didnt respond to me… So I’ll repeat it here. 

I’ll drop everything to go to you to the ends of the earth. But don;’t wait for  me right now, baby, I can’t do anything about anything. I’m so useless. >.< but I want you to know that I can’t forget you, and I never will. Will you drop everything to be with me in the future too? so we can pick up where we left off? 

Talking to you that sunday was so nice. I just… I can’t believe how much Ive missed your face until I actually saw it again, and missed it so much. I really do miss it. I really do wish things were different so I wont have to miss your face, and your voice, and the fact that you make me happy by just giving me a smile. I love you.

Please don’t ever forget that, and don’t ever question my love for you either… Those two things are just … my rock. My tether to my crazy fucking exam filled life right now.

I love you always.

Please don’t worry about me, I’ll always be fine. :] We’ll see each other… and so I have to be fine until then, right?

xoxo

hz; 012208 always.

JT -

It’s been too long since Ive written my thoughts down on tumblr… I was just wondering if you ever thought about me too. You havent tried to talk to me in anyway or give me any indication that you still thought about me. I dunno. I guess I was expecting too much when I thought that for xmas or my birthday or something, that I’d see something from you, a card perhaps, or a piece of paper. I guess that was too much to hope for since we’re both supposed to move on. I guess I still think about you alot and it hurts me to think that you’ve forgotten about me…

I guess thats also very completely selfish of me to ask for you to still care. In some way, Ive always thought that I wouldn’t have to give you up… 

Ive been wondering so much about your life. Whos the random ass guy with a mustache on your skype? have you been hacked? How are you liking skyrim. I played it and got lost so many times. 

How has school been? I’ve been stressed beyond belief and when i finally get a break from it all, I get into a pretty bad car accident by myself in my friends car. so thats mad money wasted right there, my parents are mad at me and everytime I close my eyes, I get hit again. 

I’m always thinking about you and wondering where you are… and what you’re doing and stuff. 

And I was thinking…

Will you answer me?

JT - 

Sorry. 

I just really needed to hear your voice… 

Please be happy, for me.

And never forget that I love you always.

JT -

can you believe its been 4 years since we’ve gotten together? Its been four years, and I somehow know that, even if we’re so far apart and that we’re not technically together, I just know that if I hear your voice, I’ll fall in love with you again.

Its been hard, Tran, not hearing your voice all the time. 

Remember the time when we were on the phone almost the entire day? I called you when I got back from school, and we talked forever, about nothing. But probably something important. 

Its been four long years and I still think about you daily. 

Remember the first time I called you, it was really really cold outside. Around January, and there was mad snow and frost on my windows. You told me to write poser and loser on it, and I took a picture the next day cuz it was still there.

I love you so much.

Remember the time when you first sent me that coach purse? You failed cuz it didnt make it on time… it came 3 months late. xD I still havent figured out what happened, all I know is that I was so happy when I came. I wore it instantly! To my friends birthday. 

I miss you so much.

I still wanna cry at the unfairness of everything.

I know I said I didnt want to call you. And I debated with myself whether I should or not… its our four years anniversary after all. But I couldnt do it. I was so scared. What would I say to you? That I try so hard to forget you? I didnt want to bring up upsetting thoughts. I just wanted us to be happy. 

What would you have done? 

I wish I could see your reactions. I wish I could hear about what you think about everything again. I miss your voice so much. 

Remember when I said you were a pillar that kept me from crying and drifting off into nothing…? I was telling the god honest truth… I still miss you so much.

I love you so much.

Please be happy. 

… Four years is too long for us to waste.

JT -

It’s almost been a whole two months that I havent talked to you. And the first christmas I havent spent with you in three years. 

I was thinking about you so much, so I decided to check msn to see if you changed anything to anything stalkable. and I realised that Ive gotten my shirt. It looks really nice on you. Do you like it? I really do hope you do. Although it looks kinda tight on you, or is it just you getting bigger, and thus need a bigger size than what you would normally wear?

It’s so weird not being able to know these basic things about you. I usually would just skype you, or call you, and ask if youve gotten it yet. but I couldnt… and I took a gamble and it made me really really happy. 

I have a bunch of exams so I’m tired all the time. I did my christmas shopping this afternoon, so I havent done any studying… and I’ll be done exams this following wednesday… I havent looked forward to being free as much as I do now.

I’ll be going to Niagara falls in ten days with a bunch of friends… I got into yugioh dueling with a bunch of my friends… uhm. What else…

I dunt know. Ive missed you.

I hope everything is going well. 

- hz <3 jt forever.

Its one day before the 22nd, and Im debating calling you like I said I would. I don’t know if I should, just because I miss your voice for so long now. It’s like I’m barely awake, living like this. Barely awake because you’re not with me, waking me up every morning and wishing me goodnight when I’m in bed.

yes, I miss you so much. But I wish I didnt. I wish I could move on. 

I’ve started to check guys. But I know I’m doing this so I can have someone to fill my void. As cheesy as it sounds, yes, I have a void that I need to fill, ever since asking you to leave. 

So if I call you, I know it’ll be the beginning of the end… I’ll miss you so much. I’ll cry, I’ll want to get back together. I’ll want you to be with me forever in the future again. I’ll want to live that lie again. 

and I cant. If I dunt call you tomorrow like I’m supposed to, I guess it’s because Ive decided that I’d rather distract myself then cry.

I’ll still love you. 

P.s. Please don’t get skyrim. 

I haven’t tumblred that much have I? I don’t know why not. Maybe it’s because I never had the time, but I havent got the time now either. Maybe I just need to get things off my chest…

I have three midterms next week and I have three shifts of work. I cant even defer my econ midterm, which is the midterm Im most scared about, because it is worth 1% more than I am allowed. Bummer. But hopefully, I have enough time to study. And if not, I pull my first all nighter. 

I guess, what Im trying to say is… I do miss you. and sometimes, when I’m tired, and upset and so stressed, I think about how happy you made me, and how glad I am to have met you. You were there for me, and you loved me. And I will always love you. You made me the happiest girl in the world, and now you’re gone. 

I don’t regret it. I know this pain is only temporary. If we can both get through this part of our lives, we know we can take on the entire world.  We just need to find ourselves and think about what we need for the future for both of us. 

I can’t live in this uncertainty. I can’t sit here and wonder what will become of us. I can only believe that if we really wanted it, and if it was meant to be, somehow, we’ll find each other.

Remember the day that we met? If I hadn’t talked to you, and if you hadn’t made an effort, we would never be here today. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. you made me who I am, you made me have pride in myself, and you made me proud of you. I am one to believe that it was fate that got us here, and that gave us this pain. It was fate that I now know what love is, and that love has your face attached to it. It was fate that taught me the meaning of hope, and wishing, and trust. 

I am going to move on. And I am going to date other people. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I need to get over you and the feeling of longing I have whenever something reminds me of you. Like my entire ipod playlists. 

No, I won’t ever stop loving you. I will always remember the happiness you gave me and I will always aim for it. 

We will have Trixie, and Ray. And that dog that we are going to name Cookie. And a house with a lawn, so you can play catch with the kids. And an Escalade to drive  the kids to school. 

I will never forget you and the love you gave me. 

I will love you always.